best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
