did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
