I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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