ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
