I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
