When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Randomize
