You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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