He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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