Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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