Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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