I think I won the penis lottery.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
