I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
