What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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