she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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