Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
