my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
