textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He felt like a one man threesome
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
