his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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