sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you inspire me to be a worse person
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
