just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
