There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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