The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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