She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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