Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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