I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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