Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
