nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
