Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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