Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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