My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
