girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
