i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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