Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
