I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
