yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
