Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
