the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
