I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
