I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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