he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
