i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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