Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
