theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
