Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
