she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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