dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
