Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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