in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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