We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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