My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
