Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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