Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
