Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
