YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
