I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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