Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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