I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize