Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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