problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
