I feel great
I just peed on a car
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
