we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
