I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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