I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
