I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
