3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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