I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am spending my child support on dildos
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize