Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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