I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
