I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
