i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
