Got a toothbrush?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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