he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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